So after ten years, five million bands and spending hundreds of dollars on overpriced bottle water, I am officially done with the Warped Tour. I am too fat, old, and uncool to associate with the punkest show of the year. And it really sucks backing in the sun for eight hours just to see four bands. So yesterday, Aug. 14 was the big day. The tour was hitting Raceway Park in English town, NJ for the second year in a row, and it was about 105 degrees out. Pure sun, few clouds.

We got there an hour early, still hitting traffic, but avoiding most of the mid-day headaches associated with traveling to central Jersey on a hot summer day. Somehow, the idiot security guards sent us to the wrong parking lot and we ended up parking in between two tour buses, which while cool, meant we couldn’t get back to our car unless we had some sort of credentials. A few hours later, we were set with passes and ready to take the Warped Tour by storm.

And by storm, I mean hanging out in the air-conditioned pressroom for 85 percent of the day.

We made our way to the MxPx stage at approximately 1pm to check out the band that we thought sucked ass in 1996 and guess what? They still suck ass in 2005, however, their level of suck is quite low as compared to modern day bands like Good Charlotte and Simple Plan. They played fast pop punk to drowsy-eyed teens who had yet to wake up. They weren’t awful, just really boring.

Next up–Two more hours of rehydrating in the press room and realizing that no band was going to leave their tour bus in this kind of heat to be interviewed by a Web zine. So for the tenth straight year Life In A Bungalo struck out on getting an Offspring interview.

Off to the main stage to check out local heroes done good My Chemical Romance. Jesus Christ. I have seen some crazy shit at the Warped Tour but this took the cake. Every single kid at the Warped Tour was standing in front of the stage waiting for the band to get on. EVERY SINGLE KID. I’m talking acres of Warped Tour were barren, t-shirt booths were empty, skateboard ramps had tumble weed rolling on them, hamburgers were left burning on the grill, the TRUTH booth was, well… the TRUTH booth is always empty. You get the picture. 15,000 kids are waiting at two in the afternoon for the second coming of Christ. More so than the usual MxPx fan.

The band hits stage 20 minutes late, because the barricade needs to be pushed back cause kids are being crushed. Fans are rushing the stage from every angle, kids are screaming like it’s the Beatles. The band takes stage, and the place erupts. Singing girls drown out every note out, as the band attempts a 30-minute set consisting of an equal amount of songs from each album. By the time “Helena” came through the speakers, half the crowd was whipped and the other half was being treated for heat exhaustion. It was nuts.

Two hours to kill. Time for a $20 lunch.

Avenged Sevenfold took stage at 3:30 to a shell-shocked audience. Their core fan base was sweating it up in the front row, but most of the crowd stood in shock. Gone was the metal-core band that took the stage last year. The band had been replaced, by some twisted, goth version of Guns ‘N’ Roses. Singer M. Shadow had all the posturing down and was clad in bandana and G’N'R shirt. All the new songs were performed to tee, and tunes off the hardcore leaning last record were completely re-done sans screaming. Everything was sung, and many guitar parts were slowed down. It was really cool, but a shock to many of the band’s old fans.

Two hours to kill. Time to watch some extreme sports. Wait, there was no extreme sports, unless you count the tiny half-pipe ramp that has replaced the massive street park and giant wood half-pipe that use to host moto-cross, bikes and skaters alike. This was pretty lame. No wall climb, no wrestling, no human cannonball.

Another sore spot was the amount of forced advertising. In order to find out when bands were signing, you had to get a text message number and have the info sent to your phone. So anyone sans text-enabled phone is SOL. Unless of course you sign up for Cingular One at the Warped Tour.

Finally, 5:30 hit and Warped Tour virgins The Offspring took stage. To quote the WWE Job Squad “Pin Me, Pay Me.” The band got up there, went through the motions with their greatest hits, shot the crowd with water, and left stage with ten minutes to spare. Did I mention that they look old. Real old.

Five minutes after they got off stage we decided that we had had enough and split. For some reason, the thought of spending another four hours in the sun to see The Transplants suck just didn’t appeal to me.

So long Warped Tour. I hardly knew you.