Carlstadt, New Jersey isn’t known for much. And until Saturday night it wasn’t known by yours truly to even exist (despite being only 20 minutes from where I grew up and mile from a place I saw about 256 concerts.) That very likely says more about my ignorance of local geography than anything else. But tucked behind the stables at the Meadowlands racetrack, and right off of Route 17 is Carlstadt. And on Patterson Plank Road (titillating near Stilettos Gentleman’s Club) is the Axis Lounge.

When we rolled up to that joint, we had no idea what to expect (I’m using the royal “we”). We CERTAINLY didn’t expect a classy joint with sofas and tables and blacklights. But we soon found out that were in the “front room” and the show was in the back room. Around 11pm or so, North Jersey punk rock phenoms Le Butterface took the stage and rocked the joint. They had it all. Replacements cover? Check. Opening song about having a gigantic cock? Check. Velcro clown feet on a superhero-esque bass player? Check. And while not headliners this particular night, these dudes rocked the fucking house. They opened with “Jumbone” (previously mentioned big cock song), closed with “TV Eye”, and in the middle sang “Idiot Asshole Fuck”. And the night only got better from there.

Soon after they got off the stage (and after I finished my deliciously greasy hamburger) Thee Bishops took the stage for their last show (except the one coming up in March, but SHHHHHHHHH). They blistered through 15 or so songs to a crowd that had clearly come out to see these folks. Sporting a blonde pompadour that would make Billy Zoom cream his pants, Rev. Romeo’s commanded the stage like a pulpit. But being the singer doesn’t make him the only frontman. This band has a not so secret weapon. His name is Matt, and he plays guitar for Theee Bishops (and pulled double duty tonight as the drummer for Le Butterface). This kid shreds on the guitar better than anyone playing in Carlstadt on a Saturday really should. He was just too good for that damn club. Even though their original songs are all really great (go to their myspace profile and check out “Heard you Died”) the crowd favorite was unquestioningly their cover of “I’m in Trouble” by the Replacements. The Rev. took Mr. Westerberg’s snotty vocals and turned them into something even better.

At last, the moment we were all waiting for. Love Cinema Vol. 6 hit the stage. Visually, these guys are amazing. Singer Chuck Nasty was dressed casually tonight (except the Heidi wig and lipstick). For a North Jersey Band named after a movie involving incestuous prostitution, their songs are really catchy filthy punk with some damn great hooks. Yet another band with a prodigal guitar player, Love Cinema owned this crowd with “Angel Lust”, “Aurora Snow”, “Silver Bullet”, and “Clit like a Penis.” But the crowd was waiting for two songs. It was unsaid, but everyone in the room knew it. We were all waiting for “Local 69″ (about a union for hookers) and a cover of G.G. Allin’s “I Kill Everything I Fuck”. Those two songs closed the night with an eruption from the crowd as they charged forward for the mike. Singing with all our might, we gave Chuck Nasty’s throat a well-needed rest (that sounded really, really gay, I’m sorry). And god damn, singing “I’m infected with AIDS/I fuck every day/I kill everything I fuck” has never been so much fun.

Leaving the back room, we saw what had been going on in the main room. Apparently, the main room of the Axis Lounge is some sort of dance club for bad aggro metal. I’ve never seen a club where people were writhing against each other to Pantera. I’ve also never seen a group of guys in matching football jerseys (not for a specific team) with their nicknames on it.

Walking to my car after the show, Georgie Bunaglo and I saw a pretty cute and obscenely drunk girl fall on the ground. We would have helped, but we were tired and she had dudes with her. Instead, we just laughed. We walk to our car and heard her say, “I think those two dudes just saw my vagina!”

Don’t worry mystery drunk girl, your pubic hairstyle remains a mystery to us.